No is a complete sentence. Why do some leaders have a hard time with these two little letters?
Why it’s Hard to Say No
According to Dr. Judith Tingley, author of Say What You Mean, Get What You Want: A Businessperson’s Guide to Direct Communication, the biggest barrier to communicating assertively is fear. We fear being judged, criticized, or intimidated. We fear losing power, status, or friendship
Some leaders don’t make personal needs a priority for fear of becoming selfish. Yet the personal costs associated with the inability to say no include lack of time and energy to pursue our own desires. We fester inside with anger, bitterness, and resentment. This can lead to health issues and low self-esteem. None of these are qualities of good leaders.
When to Say No
Say no when you’re filling too much of your time meeting someone else’s needs and expectations. Don’t sacrifice your self-respect for the approval of others.
It is time to say no when someone else’s request is interfering with your work, consuming too much time, harms persons or possessions, costs money you haven’t budgeted, or negatively impacts perception or reputation.
How to Say No
- Remove the pressure of feeling like you have to reply immediately. Take time to decide. If you haven’t fully formed the word no in your head, your inquirer might take your hesitation as a maybe or a yes. Try saying, “Please give me a minute to gather my thoughts and take a look at my schedule.”
- Wait to be asked. Don’t offer to do something you haven’t even been asked.
- Don’t ask permission to say “No.” this passive move will make it easy for more aggressive personalities or manipulators to get you to do what they want.
- Try this, “No, I won’t be able to participate, but I hope you have a wonderful time.” Or “No, my calendar is full, but thank you for thinking of me.”
- Use assertive body language. (After you say no, recognize that you need to accept the consequences. No means no.)
- Don’t apologize. There are times to say you’re sorry, but in the workplace, save your apologies for when you really mean them.
- Don’t make excuses. A single reason may be appropriate, but don’t list several. Your conversation partner will wonder if you are trying to convince them or yourself.
Lose the Guilt
“Should” comes loaded with guilt. Guilt is simply anger turned inward because you can’t do what you really want. Honor your true feelings for long-term personal sanity and happiness. Lose the guilt.
