Unaccepted Compliments
Our common responses to compliments are pathetic. We deny, argue, laugh it off, self-insult, question, narrow the scope, and/or boomerang the compliment. When we do, we’re insulting the compliment giver. We’re saying they have poor judgement.
They tell us we did a great job and we say, “It was nothing.” They wonder if it was great. Someone says we look fantastic. We say, “I got it on sale.” We imply we’re more proud of our frugality than their ability to notice a professional ensemble.
Don’t dismiss a compliment because it makes you uncomfortable. This transfers that discomfort to the giver.
Why we Deny Compliments
One reason is fear of seeming full of ourselves. If we accept a compliment, we worry we’ll be complimenting ourselves and appear conceited.
A second reason is low self-esteem. If we can’t believe good things about ourselves, we don’t absorb them well from external sources either. We look for ways to render the assessment moot. We tell ourselves they didn’t see the failure (no that’s not true, not really, this old thing?, Paula did most of the work). Internally we decide they have poor judgement.
We deny hoping for another compliment! We say, “I just threw it together.” They think, “Imagine if she really put effort into it!” We say, “It was nothing.” Maybe they’ll elaborate and stroke our ego again.
To fill our psychological need to restore balance, we swivel the spotlight. We boomerang, replying with a similar compliment. We feel indebted if we don’t say they look great, too.
Suspicion. We assume there’s an ulterior motive. We question the validity and deny the compliment.
Great Leaders Accept Compliments
Accepting compliments does not make you conceited. It’s the right thing to do. It’s more polite to accept their judgment than contradict it. Instead of denying a giver’s gift, say, “Thank you.” When you get comfortable with that, try one of the following:
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.
I appreciate that you noticed…
Thanks. I really worked hard on it.
Thank you. It does feel good to…
Why Leaders Need to Accept Compliments
Not accepting a compliment may hurt the giver. They feel they are being judged. Any denied or deflected compliment reduces the chances of that individual complimenting us again.
Not accepting a compliment closes the door to communication. For example, if your boss believes you can’t accept a compliment, she may hesitate to provide constructive feedback. On the other hand, if you clearly communicate that you appreciate feedback, she won’t fear to be open and honest.
Tips for True Acceptance
Assume the praise was genuine and heartfelt; it usually is.
As with negative feedback, look for a hidden golden nugget of truth. Can you agree to part of what was said? Is there any additional information you can glean? Why was the praise given? Ponder over their words. You might discover something you never knew about yourself.
A self-aware leader knows their strengths and weaknesses. What is your personal point of pride? If the giver is playing to your already inflated ego, be cautious! A stand-alone thank you shows appreciation without the ego stroke.If you’re worried about losing your humility, just say, “Thank you.” Leave it at that.
